1. Get two bowls. On the side of one bowl, crack the egg. Carefully split it, and hold the two halves of the egg like they’re egg-cups, holding precious egg-juice that cannot spill. Dump the contents of the yolk-less egg-cup in one bowl. Over this same bowl, gently pass the yolk from egg-cup to egg-cup (like the smallest, tiniest, most careful game of lacrosse) until all the egg white is in that bowl. In the OTHER bowl, dump the egg yolk.
2. Get two bowls. On the side of one bowl, crack the egg. Hold your hand over this bowl as though you’re a cartoon sorcerer trying to raise spirits from the dead (palm up, fingers slightly curved towards the ceiling and slightly separated). Crack the egg through your fingers. The yolk will stay on your slightly-separated fingers, while the white slips through to the bowl. Dump the yolk from your fingers to the other bowl.
3. While the egg white is at work, invite the yolk to lunch… and casually plant seeds of doubt as to the egg white’s fidelity. When the yolk presses you for details, reply, “I’ve already said too much,” and sip your latte, reminding the yolk that you’re their friend, and only care about their happiness.
4. Run into the egg white at the grocery store. Ask how things are going with the yolk. When they say “fine,” act surprised, and then quickly try to cover it up. Say “It’s not my place,” and leave quickly. Pretend you don’t want to look back, but cast a guilty glance over your shoulder just before you shut the door.
5. Buy the egg yolk a couple drinks and start grandly reminiscing about all the dreams the yolk had, what they wanted to do. As though you don’t realize what you’re saying, muse, “What happened? I mean…maybe things changed when you got together with egg white.” Clap a hand over your mouth. Warmly assure yolk you didn’t mean that–you’re just a little drunk.
6. Wait until they get in a fight to mention to yolk, with compassionate eyes and a gentle tone, that you “didn’t want to say anything earlier” but now you’d feel bad if you didn’t mention that you “had a bad feeling about egg white from the start.” When yolk asks for specifics, just shake your head and say something about egg white’s “iffy vibe.”
7. Invite egg white out with you and some friends. Invite your friend sugar along, and have sugar show up about an hour after everyone else, looking fantastic. Introduce sugar and egg white, and after they obviously hit it off, “mistakenly” call them “a regular meringue.” Quickly assure them you didn’t mean it like that, and then, in the same breath, go talk to somebody else.
8. Get your other mutual friends to start mentioning little “relationship red flags” that happen to coincide with yolk’s tendencies. Instruct them to pretend not to notice this, and to say that “red flags like that” would be “a dealbreaker” for them.
9. Pay a stranger to call egg white and leave a message meant for yolk, saying something about how it was great to get together, and “I know we have to keep it secret, but I’d love to see you again sometime soon.”
10. Wait until egg white says/does something that could be vaguely construed as making a pass at you, and then immediately call yolk, tearfully confessing that egg white made a pass at you, and you’re not even totally sure about it, it happened so fast, but it just “didn’t feel right” and you “wanted to be a good friend and tell you the truth.”
11. Go to sleep. Wake up fitfully every twenty minutes. At 2am, you hear a knock on your door. At first, you think it’s just a dream, but no, no, the knock is insistent. Swing your feet out of bed and pad across the floor, trying not to stumble over the laundry basket still on the floor, clothes unfolded, getting wrinklier by the day. Is it raining? Unlatch and open the door to see yolk standing on your doorstep in, yes, the rain. Yolk looks hollow and tired and so, so sad. Yolk has been crying for hours. Let them in. Sit down on the couch together. Ask yolk what’s wrong. Listen to their story–about how things just haven’t been feeling right lately with egg white. How they can’t even really explain it, but there’s just this…this distance, you know? Listen to yolk’s descriptions of uncertainty over egg white’s fidelity. About mysterious phone calls. A new stranger named “sugar” that egg white mentioned once, but that’s a little strange, don’t you think? When they start to talk about how your mutual friends have been mentioning relationship red flags that ring eerily true, put a hand on yolk’s shoulder. Take a deep breath.
12. Say to yolk, “Look. I know this feels like the end of the world. I know you’re feeling like nothing is right, and you’re never going to make it through this together, and maybe you were wrong when you got together all those years ago.” Take another deep breath. Look into yolk’s sunny golden eyes. “But here’s the thing. You two are made for each other. Really, you are. And every relationship goes through some sort of hard time, where you maybe feel like you’re growing apart. But you’re not. Give it some time. Trust in yourself. Trust in egg white. It’s going to get better.” Take yolk’s hands. “I promise.”
13. Let yolk stay the night, covered in a blanket on the couch. Make yolk some coffee in the morning. Ask, “How you feeling?” Patiently wait for yolk to answer as yolk takes a gentle sip of coffee and shrugs. “Better. I think.”
14. As yolk leaves, accept that you didn’t fully understand the forces you were playing with. End the sabotage. Accept that these two are a good match, and you don’t even know everything about their relationship, anyway. Who are you to try to separate them?
15. Two months later, scroll through Facebook to see a beautiful, shining photo of yolk and egg white, with yolk proudly showing off an engagement ring. Smile to yourself. Comment, “Egg-cellent! ;)”
16. Put down a couple bucks on a plastic egg separator.